No Church In The Wild
by omuse
Summary: Hokage-sama. Sensei. God of Shinobi. These are but a few of the titles Hiruzen Sarutobi has earned over his years. Jiraiya does not consider 'a good man' to be one of them.


**A/N: Insert Standard Disclaimer Here**

"Do you think he'll every forgive me? When he finds out?"

Jiraiya froze in midst of examining a drawn copy of Orochimaru's seal at his sensei's question. He placed the paper down in his lap and leaned forward towards the Sandaime.

"When he finds what out?"

The Sandaime sighed and swirled his own cup of sake as he responded.

"That I kept you and Kakashi away. That I am still keeping his parentage from him. Or that I knew of how poorly he was being treated and did nothing because I was more worried about…other matters. Take your pick."

Jiraiya looked away, the familiar bitterness rising at the reminders of the injustices that the Sandaime had allowed, even supported. The Sandaime was a good Hokage but that did not always translate to being a good man. He could feel the weight of the Hokage's gaze as the silence stretched on and he picked up the paper again to distract himself from what he wanted to say.

_He will never forgive you. He _shouldn't_ forgive you. You did wrong by him, by Minato, by Kakashi and by me too. And sometimes I hate you for it._

Jiraiya did not allow the words to pass his lips but it seemed that he had not needed to. His sensei had always been good at seeing through him. The Sandaime chuckled dryly.

"I wouldn't deserve it, would I?" He smiled despondently as Jiraiya's head jerked back up at those words. "I failed him."

"Hokage-sama…"

This time, the Sandaime was the one to look away. "I am old, Jiraiya. I am old and I am tired. Naruto and Konoha deserve, no, _need_ more than an old man full of regrets and mistakes. It should have been me instead of Minato."

"Hoakge-sama. _Sensei_. Please. Please don't say that," Jiraiya spoke urgently, "You kept the village _alive_ after the Kyuubi and we could have asked for no better."

For a moment, the Sandaime seemed to shrink until the ceremonial robe and hat he wore looked as if they would crush his frail frame beneath their weight. To Jiraiya, it was like watching a titan fall.

"You are too kind to your old sensei. But we both know the truth. This village has long needed a new Hokage."

The Sandaime's gaze returned to him, hard and piercing. Jiraiya flinched back. He knew where this conversation would lead and he did not like it.

"Until Minato, I had you chosen as my successor." The Sandaime reminded him.

"And I had refused then too. Same as Tsunade who you chose first," Jiraiya retorted. This was a conversation they'd had many times over the years and one Jiraiya had never learned to hate less.

"You would be a good Hokage. You'd be in position to protect Naruto too, better than I ever could. You could even finally tell him about his parents."

As always when the Sandaime brought up that argument, Jiraiya wanted to punch him for daring to use his godson against him.

"You'd be better off asking Tsunade."

"Tsunade would be even harder than you to convince. You at least are willing to step foot in the village now and then." The Sandaime pointed out dryly.

Jiraiya scoffed, "Smarter than me then."

"At least think about it," the Sandaime urged and Jiraiya shrugged noncommittally. After a long awkward pause, Jiraiya went to back to fiddling with the seal.

"You know," the Sandaime began in a musing tone, "I had always wondered what changed. It used to be that being Hokage was all you could talk about." He chuckled, "Much like Naruto now.

Jiraiya grimaced. What changed was that he had grown up. He had grown up and realized he never wanted to be the kind of man his sensei was, never wanted to make the sacrifices that being a Hokage demanded. Someday, for Naruto's own sake, Jiraiya prayed Naruto would come to the same realization. Doubtful, he was too like Minato, self-sacrificing and loyal to a fault; but a godfather could hope.

Three knocks interrupted any further conversation. Jiraiya stood with the paper in hand and nodded a farewell to the Sandaime who waved him off. As he was walking through the door though, he paused and turned back around to the Sandaime.

"He would. Naruto I mean, he's probably done so already. And…so have I.

The Sandaime looks at him surprised before his expression turns grateful.

I'll keep that in mind."

iraiya simply turns around and walks past the confused secretary. He looks up into the clear night sky as he steps out of the tower and wonders if he too could be forgiven.


End file.
